While the transition from high school to college is a significant milestone for Third Culture Kids (TCKs), often ending a pattern of frequent moves, for TCKs who become parents, the college transition of their child can be a chapter of profound grief beyond what’s anticipated.
In social conversations, the college transition for parents is often reduced to the two-word nominal term “empty nester.” However, the transition itself is much more involved and deserves its own grief process.
Being a parent is one of the most vulnerable relationship roles a person can have. The many instances of losing close friends, favorite teachers or role models and favorite local spots and comfort food, especially when repeated, lay deep in the emotions of TCKs, as they occur during the developmental years.
Yet, being a parent, holding responsibility for another human being’s developmental years is a role designed to prepare someone to part ways. Parents love with their all to one day let go.
Parenthood is a continuous journey of moving between the various roles from provider, nurturer, guide, educator, disciplinarian, protector and more. To do it right, parenting demands confronting your fears, insecurities and blind spots as well as applying your characteristic strengths, earned wisdom and from day one, natural instincts.
Of these natural instincts, the instinct to make room for offspring in one’s nest, from the half-awake feedings for a newborn, to the grocery lists with your child’s snacks, to the routine of coming home on a Friday in anticipation of a weekend with your child, doesn’t simply switch off when they turn 18.
Using the RAFT to float on the river of grief
For parents on the journey of college transition, David Pollock and Ruth Van Reken in the book “Third Culture Kids, Growing Up Among Worlds” provide a way to avoid sinking in a river of grief via the acronym RAFT, which stands for:
R = Reconciliation, which “includes both the need to forgive and be forgiven.”
A = Affirmation, or “the acknowledgement that each person in (a) relationship matters.”
F = Farewells, which includes farewells to “people, places, pets and possessions.”
T = Think Destination, including the “internal … and external … resources for coping with problems” at the next destination.
The following is how RAFT can apply for both parent and child as well as the parent’s grief process:
Reconciliation — If there are any unresolved issues that have weighed heavily on the relationship between you and your child, intentionally making time to name and acknowledge those matters together and process any hurts, apologies, forgiveness or grief together can be helpful. Internally for the parent, some issues may not feel resolvable, but admission informs future choices and distance offers perspective.
Affirmation — Likely to come naturally, when you share favorite memories about what you cherish most about your child, it can help affirm special aspects of their character and personality. This may help your child when they build new relationships. Internally for the parent, affirmation can also be a time to celebrate your accomplishment of this milestone as well as the losses you feel.
Farewells — Familiar to the TCK, this step for parent and child involves acknowledging the favorite activities, traditions, items and hangout spots together, and painfully saying, “bye for now” to each. Acknowledging the meanings while accepting the transition allows for your child to let go. Internally for the parent, watching your child let go can prompt you to honor the process and likewise let go.
Think Destination — Talk about what your child entering college looks forward to in addition to taking care of the logics of the transition such as the preparations for campus living and first-semester classes. You can also share encouraging words or advice about the new horizon. Internally for the parent, you can also look forward to new opportunities that became available as a result of the changes while grieving the transition. Plan out how you will access sources of support during intense moments of grief.
(In Part 2, we go into how to handle sending your young adult off to college.)
