RELATIONSHIPS: Tell me your Insecurities…

Now, I don’t know about you – but if a stranger said that to me, I’d cringe. 

I think it’s safe to say the majority of us have some insecurities. They can be large or small, many or few. It doesn’t make us a desperate or insecure person. It just means that we can sometimes have negative thoughts and beliefs about ourselves.  

Even if you’re a well-rounded, confident and competent individual, it doesn’t mean that you don’t get the odd negative belief about yourself once in a while. Take a moment to think about what makes you feel insecure. When do you have negative beliefs about yourself? How do those make you feel?  How do these affect your romantic relationship?

It seems insecurities can have a negative impact on the relationship we have with our partner. Relationship researchers Rose and Bellavia found that individuals who struggle with self-doubt will have less satisfying relationships due to their cautiousness and inability to find comfort and security within the relationship.[1] They explain how being in a relationship ultimately leads to the potential threat of losing said person and in turn losing that sense of belonging. 

With this threat to the self, it is unsurprising that we can have doubts creep up at times. However, what Rose and Bellavia stress is that those people who have especially negative models of themselves are more likely to act prudent and vigilant in a relationship, and this behaviour results in a lower quality relationship.

What about you? Do you communicate your insecurities to your partner? On the one hand, it seems that expressing your fears and negative beliefs would be effective in improving your relationship. Your partner could potentially help in alleviating these and ensure that you feel a higher level of security. On the other hand, frequently unloading all of your worries on your partner could feel overwhelming.

Personally, I know that insecurities only creep up at times when I’m feeling tired, hungry, depleted of energy, or stressed. I don’t think they ever come up when I’m feeling full of energy, elated, excited and challenged.  And when they do come up, I work on challenging that belief. I ask myself : what evidence do I have to show that it’s true? How old is that evidence?  If I’m unable to challenge the belief, and it’s a recurring negative thought that I can’t seem to shake off, I speak to my partner or close friends about it.

I think it’s ok to ask for help to decide whether that belief is valid or if it’s just that – a belief – not a fact.  I’ll choose to speak to a close friend, my brother or my partner. However, if it’s something small and I know it isn’t a recurring issue, I usually let it slide and sleep on it. Often, the next day, it’s no longer an issue.  How do you deal with your insecurities?

[1] Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., Griffin, D. W., Bellavia, G., & Rose, P. (2001). The mismeasure of love: How self-doubt contaminates relationship beliefs. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 27, 423-436.