Urmi Hossain grew up between two worlds — Bengali and Italian — where love and relationships were not just different in each culture, but at times even opposing.
Let’s start with the Bengali side. In the Bengali culture, a simple kiss, a quick peck or a hug is almost considered taboo.
“I have never seen anyone around me, including family members, ever say ‘I love you’ to one another,” Hossain says. “The few Bengali movies I watched often depicted love through non-verbal cues, such as love songs, a gentle caress of the hair or small gestures.”
When it comes to dating, being in a relationship before marriage is not encouraged, and marriage sometimes feels more like a business proposal, where everyone in the family has a say on the potential candidate. Some typical comments you can expect to hear are:
– “Is he/she white enough?”
– “Does he/she come from a wealthy family?”
– “Does he/she have a good job?”
– “Does he/she have a proper education?”
If you have ever watched the show “Indian Matchmaking” on Netflix, you might recognize this: when it comes to choosing a life partner, the two families get together over chai and sweets to see if the candidates are a match. Appearance, family background, finances and education are often the main concerns, as reputation is highly valued in South Asian communities. Arranged marriages are still common, with potential partners introduced through word-of-mouth recommendations or even “biodata” — essentially resumes for marriage.
Bengali weddings are big, with elaborate celebrations — the more, the merrier. Festivities last five to six days, often with weeks of preparation. Guest lists are long; it’s normal to have 500 people, and everyone, including faraway relatives, is welcome.
During Bengali weddings, newlyweds typically do not kiss at the altar like in other cultures.
Growing up, Hossain interpreted this absence of public affection as conveying a message that did not feel entirely healthy.
“I do think a kiss is a symbol of love, especially during wedding ceremonies,” she says. “It encompasses love, respect and affection that two people share, sealing their exclusive love for one another.”
When a couple gets married, it is expected that the new wife moves in with her in-laws.
“As I like to say, when you get married in the Bengali culture, not only are you married to your husband, but you are married to a whole village of people,” according to Hossain.
It is customary to live with your in-laws and be a traditional daughter-in-law, whose role often includes cooking, cleaning, and helping manage household responsibilities. The new wife becomes part of her in-laws’ household.
In many traditional Bengali families, it’s quite difficult to marry outside the community. Mixed marriages within the same religion are rare, and marriages outside the Bengali or Muslim community are even harder to accept. Certain families prefer to keep potential partners within the circle, making it more challenging to find someone.
When you get married in the Bengali culture, not only are you married to your husband, but you are married to a whole village of people.
On the other hand, in Italy, the country where Hossain was born and raised, it’s normal to walk hand-in-hand with your partner, show affection openly or express love through words. It’s normal to be in a relationship before marriage, and even more normal to live together before marriage. Public displays of affection are widely accepted.
Although some families may question the choice of a partner, it is less of a hurdle compared to other cultures. There is generally more freedom when it comes to finding love or looking for love outside your immediate circle. While some families might be hesitant if an Italian individual chooses someone of a completely different religion, there is typically greater personal choice and autonomy in matters of love. That includes less emphasis on what others might think, and many aspects of a relationship — such as living together before marriage — are normalized.
Although Italian women don’t typically live with their in-laws or aren’t expected to, one trend is to live in the same building as your in-laws. For instance, in a multi-floor condo, each family might occupy a separate floor rather than sharing the same roof. Mixed marriages are also widely accepted, with families placing more importance on the happiness of their sons and daughters than societal judgment.
One shift Hossain says she has noticed in recent years is the convergence between the two cultures.
“Although living together before marriage is not accepted in Bengali culture, it is increasingly common to date before marriage, be in long-term relationships, and embrace love marriages. I have observed an increasing number of mixed marriages between Bengalis and non-Bengalis, symbolizing that two different cultures can coexist in the same world,” she says. “I have seen Bengalis marrying Africans, Italians or individuals from different religions. The newer generations are integrating diversity into the culture, celebrating unions of different backgrounds.”
Another trend Hossain has noticed is the growing choice of white attire during Bengali weddings.
Traditionally, Bengali brides wear red sarees or lehengas, but many now opt for white, following Western traditions. Additionally, many newlyweds no longer live with their in-laws upon marriage; instead choosing to live separately.
“It is still taboo in Bengali culture to show affection, like a peck or saying loving words in public, but this will change over time,” Hossain believes. “Love will be normalized, regardless of cultural background. At the end of the day, love is love.”
