FOUNDERS BLOG: Feelin’ the Fear (and overcoming it)

30-DAY BLOGGING CHALLENGE, DAY THREE

So I just talked myself into doing yoga two-a-days until I leave to go to China and Korea in few weeks.  *insert deep breath here

So strange because just a few years ago, this was my life.  This is what I lived for.  This is what kept me going.

Yoga, in essence – saved my life – you might hear that from me a few times, because, truth be told, there are a few holistic practices (including a very strict 65 day cleanse that I’ll be repeating when I return from Korea) that have gotten me back to normal after serious illness for a few years. So, it’s really interesting to see that something I loved and was able to do at almost my lowest physical and energetic levels now fills me with doubt and fear that I can actually do it consistently over time.

So strange because just a few years ago, this was my life.  This is what I lived for.  This is what kept me going.

It’s time to get back to me, and I think this goal will push me in ways foreign to me at this time.  You see, in the last few years of recuperation after some devistating personal challenges with health, relationships, finances, family and career (yes – ALL OF THAT), I’m finally emerging triumphantly.  In the process, however, I had to choose where to focus my limited energy.  Though most people couldn’t tell – I could – because only one major thing could occupy my thoughts, my mind, my energy, at once.  Would it be work or a love relationship? Working out or creative endeavors? Eating healthfully or meditation? Keeping the house clean and organized or trying to look well-groomed and half human? It sounds so crazy – because you’re probably thinking I could take action on an item from EACH of those either/or scenarios above.  But literally, it was one thing at a time.  Lucky for me, I had positive habits that were easy to keep me afloat (healthful eating, a clean home) – but I rarely could muster the energy to go the extra mile.  So I was happy to be showered, with clean clothes and to work on time. Makeup was a luxury aforded only every once in a while. Some days my hair looked great, others (she remembers with a chuckle) – well, let’s just say people would ASK if I needed assistance. *insert full blown laughter here. It’s funny now, but then, I had to let roll, because I was JUST. HAPPY. TO. BE. AWAKE AND ACTIVE.

It’s nice to remember these things as past, and to be ready to embrace the future.

So from where does the fear come?  Well, every time I thought I had energy to add something to my daily routine – cooking regularly, or visiting with friends, or working out, or, or, or…  After only a couple weeks, I would be drained. The extra effort was just too much.  I was all-too-happy to put my time and effort into my day job because 1) I felt purpose in my work (and it got me out of the house – otherwise, I’d stay holed up forever it felt – because I did just that every evening and weekend), and 2) it allowed me to pay my bills.  It also allowed me to feed my soul – which is what global travel does for me.  Being immersed in different cultures, around different people, hearing different languages truly makes my heart sing.  So that, too, kept me going.

The fear comes from being knocked down every time I felt better.

It also allowed me to feed my soul – which is what global travel does for me.  Being immersed in different cultures, around different people, hearing different languages truly makes my heart sing.  So that, too, kept me going.

As resilient as I consider myself to be, eventually I stayed down.  At one point, I thought I’d have to come to the realization that this is the “new me,” and I’d have to come to terms with it.  But, something inside never gave up.  During this time, I noticed I allowed others dominion over me that I’d never considered before.  I was surprised at how easily people can take advantage when they sense “blood in the water.”  But that, my friends, became my saving grace.  Being what I considered “under the thumb” of others – even though I was the one who allowed myself to be there – eventually made me break out.  Feeling trapped, used and broken is exactly what MADE me find the solution.  So, now, I feel strong – but I’m still not the me I used to be.  I know I can do this…. but the fear..

So – here we go.  Two-a-day physical exercise – at least one of them yoga.  Wish me luck.